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The danger of overriding your HSP “pause to check” habit

April 17, 2018 By Emily Agnew Leave a Comment

HSP, highly sensitive, "pause to check"Remember the old crossing-guard command, “Stop, Look, Listen”? Sensitive people have our own version of this traffic safety awareness mantra. It’s called “pause to check”, and if you are an HSP, you’ve certainly done it: “pause to check” is a key hallmark of the HSP trait: it describes the way we engage with new situations.

Elaine Aron describes this “pause to check” stance in her book Psychotherapy and the Highly Sensitive Person, saying that HSPs prefer “to be on the sidelines in a situation for a while before entering it….generally exploring a situation more by observing and reflecting than by moving about within it.”

To be clear, observing from the sidelines in this reflective way does not mean we are timid or faint of heart. One HSP friend of mine has climbed a 19,000 foot peak in the Andes. But before doing that, she planned meticulously and trained extensively. And she made a tough but prudent decision to turn back just short of the summit, knowing she could not go further and still come down safely.

Because I’m an HSP myself, Elaine’s description of observing from the sidelines sounds logical, rational, and, well, right. It probably sounds right to you too. But if you think back on your life, I’m guessing you can remember times when people around you—parents, coaches, teachers, even friends—misread your “pause to check” behavior.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Decisions, Focusing, High sensitivity, HSP traits, Presence, Self-esteem, Shame

3 ways to love your HSP sensory sensitivity instead of hating it

April 2, 2018 By Emily Agnew 2 Comments

 

Photo: Fotolia

I’m a highly sensitive person (HSP). And I have the world’s most sensitive nose. So I had to laugh out loud when I saw a cartoon that showed two dogs lounging at their master’s feet. His shoes are off, and one dog says to the other, “Superior sense of smell: blessing or curse?”

“Blessing or curse?”  That’s a familiar question to those of us who were born sensitive. You might not have a bloodhound’s sense of smell: maybe your skin is so sensitive that you cut tags out of your clothing so they don’t irritate you to a point of frantic insanity.

Or perhaps you are a human bat, incredibly light-sensitive. My HSP partner does his pre-dawn, get-out-the-door-to-the-gym routine in the dark: for him, bright light in the morning is like an ice pick to the brain.

Elaine Aron, the psychologist who identified and named the HSP trait, puts these reactions under the category of sensory sensitivity. While sensory sensitivity shows up differently in each of us, all HSPs have it in some form, along with the three other shared HSP traits of emotional intensity, depth of processing, and overwhelm/overarousal. And unfortunately, our HSP sensory sensitivity can feel like a curse. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Anxiety, High sensitivity, HSP Sensory Sensitivity, HSP spirituality, Meditation, Self care, Self-esteem, Shame

“I’m socially awkward…”

March 19, 2018 By Emily Agnew 4 Comments

HSP, highly sensitive, socially awkwardJill, a highly sensitive (HSP) client, came to see me and expressed pain about feeling misunderstood. 

“I’m just socially awkward,” she said. “It seems like when I try to do something heartfelt, I end up being too nice, too friendly, or too generous to the other person, and then they feel bad.”

Ah, that dreaded word, “TOO.” It’s just three letters, but preceded by “You are…” and followed by a few choice adjectives, it’s enough to make an HSP cringe. “You are too sensitive.” “You are too intense.” “You are too emotional.” Or my favorite, “You think too much.”  (I hate that one! What does it even mean?! How can you think less than you think?! How much thinking is enough?!)

OK. Deep breath. Back to Jill. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Anxiety, High sensitivity, Presence, Relationships, Self care, Self-esteem, Shame

“I’m hypersensitive to my physical sensations…”

March 5, 2018 By Emily Agnew 6 Comments

HSP, highly sensitive, sensory sensitivity, hypochondriaMy colleague Mary wrote to me about recent bout with the ‘flu, complete with strained intercostal muscles from coughing and a doctor’s check for pleurisy and pneumonia. Here’s what she asked:

“Have you found that we HSPers are hypersensitive to our physical sensations so we complain about symptoms that other people don’t even notice?  Sometimes it almost seems like being hypochondriacal, but at the same time I think maybe I tolerate more discomfort because of it and don’t seek medical help as soon as maybe I should.  It’s a paradox.  I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.”

Thank you for asking this very important question. There are three parts to it, each deserving a thoughtful answer. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Anxiety, Challenging times, Focusing, High sensitivity, HSP traits, Presence, Self care, Self-esteem

As HSPs, are we more vulnerable to injury and illness?

February 5, 2018 By Emily Agnew 2 Comments

highly sensitive, Inner Bonding, FocusingI came down with a bug last week. I felt queasy and I ached all over. But please don’t say, “Oh, poor thing,” before you’ve heard my guilty secret: I was happy to be sick. Thrilled, even.

Why? Because I have been desperately tired. With our recent skunk adventure, I’ve been run ragged for a month. It was super-stressful and time-consuming: I’m still dragging in bags of skunk-scented stuff from the garage to be laundered. (Now you can say, “Oh, poor thing”!)

Now I had an honorable, bulletproof excuse to go sleep. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Challenging times, High sensitivity, Overwhelm, Self care, Self-esteem, Shame, Thriving at work

Are you neurotic to grieve losses in advance?

October 16, 2017 By Emily Agnew Leave a Comment

highly sensitive, anticipatory griefI feel the poignant sadness that arises at this time each year as the weather gets cooler and my flowers die away. I’ve found myself out in the garden taking picture after picture.

This sadness isn’t special to autumn, though. Now that my parents have been on the planet for eight decades, the reality of loss is on my mind all the time.

My parents had the four of us before they turned thirty, and I’ve always thought of them as “young:” younger than my friends’ parents, “young for their age,” “young to have grandkids.” But now they are well past the age my grandparents were when, kissing them goodbye after a visit,  I’d get sad wondering if this might be the last time I’d see them. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Creativity, Emotional Intensity, Gratitude, High sensitivity, Meaning, Self-esteem, Shame

I’m breaking my self-care rules this week. Here’s why. 

July 26, 2017 By Emily Agnew 4 Comments

I’m embarking on a crazy scheme tomorrow, involving one U-Haul truck, two boats, four border crossings, a futon set…and eleven hours on the road. 

I’ve written no fewer than 44 articles here in the Listening Post about about HSP self-care. That self-care includes space between activities. It requires breaks. It includes regular healthy meals.

Have I lost my mind? 

No. (Not yet, anyway.) For me, this is the HSP Olympics. I always cry my way through the Olympics. I’m so moved to witness athletes do things they’ve never done before—or in some cases, things no one has ever done before (l think this UHaul scheme might fit that category!)

However, I doubt anyone will be moved to tears as I deftly handle the customs agents tomorrow.  And there certainly won’t be a podium, a bouquet, or a medal awaiting me as we drag that new futon onto our cottage porch. So why do I break my own thoughtfully crafted rules of self-care? [Read more…]

Filed Under: Challenging times, High sensitivity, HSP spirituality, Meaning, Self care, Self-esteem

3 blocks to asking for what you need…and how to overcome them

June 19, 2017 By Emily Agnew 12 Comments

In the last Listening Post I talked about “love as a feeling” vs “love as a need.” When you see love as a need, you are empowered to meet that need for yourself or for others.

However, in love relationships and in other areas of our lives, many HSPs find it challenging to acknowledge our needs, let alone be forthright in asking others to help us get them met. We even try to make our needs disappear by ignoring or discounting them. This is a problem because unacknowledged and chronically unmet needs lead to tension, resentment, and disconnection in our relationships.

In this 20-minute video, I describe three common blocks to asking for what you need and offer personal examples of these blocks and their solutions. I hope this will empower you to ask for help getting your needs met.

But first, I’ll explain the original source of these stumbling blocks: the concept I ruefully call “the universal human mistake.”  If you are making “the universal human mistake,” as I was for many years (and still do sometimes!), this in itself may be a revelation for you: [Read more…]

Filed Under: Challenging times, High sensitivity, Relationships, Self care, Self-esteem, Thriving at work

Is love a feeling or a need? Here’s why your answer matters.

June 5, 2017 By Emily Agnew 4 Comments

love as a needLike many HSP’s I fall hard when I fall in love. It was like that from the start. My teen romances felt like the Queen hit, Crazy little thing called love:

This thing (this thing)/Called love (called love)
It cries like a baby/In a cradle all night
It swings (woo woo)/It jives (woo woo)
It shakes all over like a jelly fish
I kinda like it

∼Freddy Mercury

No wonder I grew up thinking of love as a feeling. The pop songs, the novels, the movies—the idea is everywhere. There’s just one problem with this: [Read more…]

Filed Under: Creativity, Relationships, Self care, Self-esteem

Let your clean boundaries be the “bad cop” so you can be the “good cop”

May 15, 2017 By Emily Agnew Leave a Comment

Many people suffer unnecessary stress when they fall victim to the biggest boundary-setting mistakes. If you are built sensitive, this common challenge can create serious problems. When you chronically squelch your needs to avoid overt confrontations with others, you feel powerless, and chronic powerlessness leads to internalized rage or its flip side, depression.

In short, this is a topic we ignore at our risk.

Is it possible to take care of yourself and stick up for your own needs without feeling like a “bad cop?” Yes! To do it, you need an understanding of the key characteristics of “clean” boundaries, and you need examples to get the “feel” of a good boundary, and you need to practice. In this 10-minute video, I’ll give you the information you need to get started:  [Read more…]

Filed Under: High sensitivity, Relationships, Self care, Self-esteem, Thriving at work

How shaky boundaries turn your sweet self into a cranky ogre

May 1, 2017 By Emily Agnew Leave a Comment

This spectacular snow monster (spotted near here last month) looks like I feel when I don’t set good boundaries. Long story short, I turn into a massive lump of frigid crankiness.

I’ve got lots of company. Boundaries are tricky territory for most people, and even more so for those of us who are built sensitive.

To even think of setting a boundary on your own behalf, you have to recognize your needs and value them. For many HSPs, that doesn’t come easily. For me it has been a life-long task: I didn’t even know I had needs until I was in my thirties. I’m still uncovering areas in which I struggle to acknowledge my needs as legitimate.

On top of that, you may hesitate to draw a line in the sand with others because you fear the conflict that might arise. Your vivid imagination goes wild and spins out catastrophic repercussions. This can stop you in your tracks. Hence the monster, simultaneously angry from unmet needs and frozen with fear.   [Read more…]

Filed Under: High sensitivity, Relationships, Self care, Self-esteem, Thriving at work

Don’t let fear of newness make you miss out

March 20, 2017 By Emily Agnew 4 Comments

Newness, overwhelm, highly sensitive, shameWhy would I say I’m going to do something—something I really want to do— then not do it?

I’ve been pondering that since our first trip to the Adirondacks last month. We both love hiking in the mountains, and we had talked for several years about getting there. Why on earth had it taken us so long to make this trip happen?

Looking back, I realize we were daunted by what I call the “newness factor.” While we’ve each done quite a bit of hiking over the years, we haven’t done much snow shoeing, and we were completely unfamiliar with the Adirondacks. Every time we sat down to plan a trip, a long list of questions popped up: “What part of the park should we focus on? what trails are suitable for our level? where should we stay? what additional gear might we need for the conditions? What are the safety considerations?” We’d get overwhelmed and put it off. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Anxiety, Challenging times, High sensitivity, Meaning, Overwhelm, Presence, Self care, Self-esteem, Shame

Why deep listening is spiritual catnip for HSP’s

March 6, 2017 By Emily Agnew 4 Comments

deep listening, highly sensitiveI haven’t met a cat who could resist catnip. And I haven’t met a fellow HSP who could resist a deep, meaningful connection with another person. We crave it because it helps us connect to our spiritual selves.

How is that so? As HSP’s, our energy flows differently from non-HSP’s. Only after we take in experiences and process them deeply does it feel right to act. I call this the introspection/action loop. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Anxiety, High sensitivity, HSP spirituality, Meaning, Relationships, Self care, Self-esteem

Why does it feel risky to talk about our HSP spirituality?

February 21, 2017 By Emily Agnew 4 Comments

Mandala: HSP spiritualityMy friend Kaitlyn sends me her beautiful photos to use in the Listening Post. Last month she sent me this photo along with a note that said,

“I haven’t been able to pick up my camera lately…so I decided to share with you this hand painted mandala longboard I finished last week. I’ve doodled them for a few years now and decided to take it to the next level: it’s my version of meditation.”

Pondering this, it hit me that every highly sensitive person I know has his or her own “version of meditation.” Kaitlyn encounters the numinous through photography and mandala painting. Another friend of mine finds it hiking and skiing in the Adirondack Mountain backcountry. My dad is moved to tears by the numinous quality of certain pieces of music. [Read more…]

Filed Under: High sensitivity, HSP spirituality, Meaning, Relationships, Self care, Self-esteem

Fox wisdom for HSPs: honoring our perceptivity, pacing, prudence, and precision

January 2, 2017 By Emily Agnew Leave a Comment

highly sensitive, exhaustion, overwhelmOn New Year’s Eve day we hiked near Lake Ontario at Durand Eastman Park, winding between frozen ponds dusted with snow. One pond after another was crisscrossed by fox tracks, and I took this as a kind reminder going in to the New Year: the fox is my old friend and highly-valued HSP guru.

We made our acquaintance years ago in a vivid dream. I have a copy on my reference shelf of Animal-Speak, Ted Andrews’ wonderful book about bird and animal totems, so I pulled it out. In the seven pages of fascinating fox information I found there, these lines sprang out at me: [Read more…]

Filed Under: Challenging times, High sensitivity, Self care, Self-esteem

Feeling stuck? These two words can free you up

May 2, 2016 By Emily Agnew 2 Comments

wonder, sensitivity, stuck, focusingThere are times when I feel like this clam: clamped shut, closed for business, knee-deep in a field of tidal muck that stretches to the horizon.

That’s when I turn to my handy shortlist of self-excavation tools. It’s amazing how much even a change of position can shift your perspective. It also helps to say hello in a Focusing way to something in me that feels overwhelmed or stuck.

But then what? I’ve moved, I’ve said hello…but what if I don’t have time to sit down and Focus? Today I want to share with you a strategy you can use anywhere, anytime, in any company. It is quick. It is startlingly effective. And it will put you into the curious, open attitude of Focusing, even if you’ve never studied Focusing. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Challenging times, Creativity, Decisions, Feeling stuck, Focusing, Self-esteem, Thriving at work, Too much thinking

The high cost of not accepting your sensitivity

January 19, 2016 By Emily Agnew 4 Comments

sensitivity, ugly duckling, focusingAs a kid, I felt like the Ugly Duckling—chronically awkward and self-conscious. If you had asked me why, I’d have been puzzled how to answer. Aside from not being popular or athletic, I was reasonably “successful” by the cultural standards I knew: I got good grades, I was reliable, I was musical, and and by sheer genetic luck I was slender, so I was spared that source of teasing. But I still felt “not quite right.”

The absence of any good explanation for my awkwardness just made me feel even weirder. I didn’t understand that growing up sensitive in this culture, I really was weird. I was exactly like the Ugly Duckling, stuck feeling different from other people but having no idea why.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Anxiety, Challenging times, Focusing, High sensitivity, Self care, Self-esteem, Shame

3 thoughts about enjoying the holidays as a sensitive person

December 21, 2015 By Emily Agnew 2 Comments

sensitive, holidays, self-careI’ve always loved the Christmas season. Though I think of myself more as a Buddhist now, I grew up attending the Episcopal church, and the ritual, the carols, and the stories touch a deep place in me. I’ve performed Handel’s Messiah at least three dozen times and never got tired of it.

We had wonderful rituals at home too, including the annual decorating of dozens of ginger cookies rolled out and baked by my mother; a “lane party” where the three households on our dead-end street drank eggnog and ate homemade cookies, and our gift exchange on Christmas morning followed by the annual two-hour pilgrimage to the home of dear family friends for a late roast-beef dinner. [Read more…]

Filed Under: High sensitivity, Meaning, Presence, Relationships, Self care, Self-esteem

Crushed by a Death Star inner critic? Meet your unlikely rescuer

December 14, 2015 By Emily Agnew 4 Comments

When that cruel inner voice attacks me, I can feel very alone. After all, who is going to come to my aid? Luke Skywalker? Yoda? The power of the Force?

I don’t think so. And I have a feeling Harrison Ford is busy. But there is someone who can help, and that’s my favorite bickering droid, C-3PO.

Did you know that C-3PO and his fellow droid, R2-D2, are the only two characters who have appeared in every single Star Wars film? As my partner and I watch the first six Star Wars movies in preparation for the new release on December 18, I’m reminded why: who can resist insults like, “Don’t call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease!”? [Read more…]

Filed Under: Challenging times, Focusing, Presence, Self care, Self-esteem, Shame Tagged With: Inner critic

Emily’s perks of being highly sensitive, #1: extraordinary vividness

November 16, 2015 By Emily Agnew 3 Comments

high sensitivity, vividness, sensitive introvertsI find this sunset extraordinarily vivid.

“Vivid” is my attempt to describe the complex reaction I feel inside as I look at the shades of blue, the shapes of the clouds, the play of color on the water.

But then, I find all kinds of sights, sounds, tastes, smells, and feelings extraordinarily vivid: bumblebees and the clumsy, companionable way they lurch around the garden. Homemade pesto. The 15th century sacred choral works of Clemens non Papa. [Read more…]

Filed Under: High sensitivity, HSP traits, Self care, Self-esteem

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Blog Topics

  • Anxiety (32)
  • Being "too sensitive" (1)
  • Challenging times (29)
  • Creativity (7)
  • Decisions (6)
  • Emotional Intensity (18)
  • Feeling stuck (1)
  • Focusing (26)
  • Gratitude (6)
  • High sensitivity (52)
  • HSP business support (11)
  • HSP Sensory Sensitivity (1)
  • HSP spirituality (19)
  • HSP traits (4)
  • Inner Bonding (8)
  • Meaning (17)
  • Meditation (2)
  • Overwhelm (14)
  • Presence (26)
  • Relationships (28)
  • Self care (58)
  • Self-esteem (20)
  • Shame (19)
  • Thriving at work (13)
  • Too much thinking (2)
  • Trauma (5)
  • Treating yourself like you matter (2)
  • Trusting your spiritual intuition (2)

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